You guys kinda know me by now. I try to live a positive, disciplined, healthy, heart-based and hard-working life. Everything I do, from the moment I wake up till the moment my head hits the pillow, is geared towards maintaining as a high a vibration as possible. In non-spiritual terms, that means I try to keep the negativity dragons at bay! But that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Some days, it can be really tough to batten down the hatches and stop getting burned by the flames. Yesterday was such a day.
Most days, I just hustle. That gets me through the day without even having the time to dwell on the past, feel sorry about the present or worry about the future. But sometimes, no matter how grateful I am just to be alive, just to be able to live in a free and democratic country, just to have food in my stomach, clean clothes on my back and a warm bed to sleep in, I lose that battle. I don’t lose the war. I’ll never lose the war and that’s what’s crucial. I am too mentally strong to ever lose that war again. But sometimes, the smoke from the dragon’s flames chokes me. Causes me to drop to my knees in weakness for a few hours. Yesterday was such a day.
THE EGO TAKES OVER
I’d say I experience a day like this once a week. Last year, during my awakening, it happened maybe twice a week but tempered by the fact that every other day, I felt absolutely incredible – like life could be anything I wanted it to be. During my post-traumatic anxiety, it was almost every day – and with none of those highs.
Yesterday, I asked myself the question
“Why do I even bother?”
I look at my situation, where outwardly, almost nothing has changed in years and think to myself
“Is this even worth it?”
All the self-discipline. The study. The introspection. The grind. The damn hard work to change those ingrained habits which have suffocated me for so long. The struggle to hold it together for another 24 hours and not slip back into destructive patterns and behaviours. And with what reward? Nothing I have visualised has manifested. I still live in the same place I long to be away from. The same city that doesn’t feel like home. I still have no one to talk to in person, to tell them all my secrets and woes and hug me and tell me it’ll all be OK. I’m still alone and lonely and talk to myself in those quiet moments like a man losing his mind.
I know it shouldn’t but on days like yesterday, my ego takes over. Starts to panic. And those thoughts then can spiral into bigger and more confusing thoughts:
“Why aren’t more people reading my posts?”
“How come so few ever comment?”
“Why are my followers and subscriber numbers not higher?”
“Where is my tribe? My people? Am I truly alone in this?”
“Should I be reading more into this thing that happened? Or what that person wrote? Or what this person did? Did it come into my life for a reason?”
“What was the significance in that book passage I just read? Or that video I just watched? Was it meant to be a message for me? Should I act upon it? Or was it meaningless?”
“What path am I supposed to be going down? What if I’m on the wrong one? What if this path is a mistake but I’m supposed to learn something from it?”
“Was that a sign or merely a coincidence? How many so-called coincidences do I need to see before I believe they are not coincidences?”
“What is my reality exactly? Is this law of attraction even real? Is there a higher force? Or does no one and nothing have my back at all?”
This kind of thing can really screw with you! Now this is only happening once a week at worst – last year, this was every other day during my awakening. And far more intense! Because I would have the huge comedown from the overwhelming high of the previous day. In 2017, I’m much more levelled out. I want to believe there is a force out there which is guiding us and helping us, if not intentionally, consciously, then as an unbiased, unthinking law. But my reality says otherwise. So I’m really relying on faith. Faith in what other people who have found themselves and found great lives, are saying. My mentors. My inspirations.
I wrote this post because I don’t want to give the impression that just because I no longer have an anxiety disorder, doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes become anxious. It’s a natural emotion, it’s there for a reason, to help us. It doesn’t just go away forever. Yesterday, it was a mixture of negative emotions, not just anxiety. I know that days like this are only keeping me from what I’m trying to manifest but sometimes, I can’t keep the dragons at bay. They wear me down and I don’t have the strength for the fight. But unlike when I had anxiety as a disorder, I know that the next day, I will wake up and start the battle over again.
I’ll meditate. I’ll do my morning routine. I’ll hustle all day and all evening. I might treat myself to a desert and an hour of “The Last Kingdom”. And I’ll carry on visualising and keeping the faith. Because the alternative is what? Sulking and being miserable? Giving in to the urges of an unhealthy, sugary, salty diet? Slouching around binge watching “Game of Thrones” for a second time? Getting pissed or caned on ecstasy? Suicidal thoughts? No fucking way.
In my very first post, I asked if I could create my dream life in just one year. Yesterday, it felt futile. Today, almost 2 months on, I still believe it’s possible.
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