I knew this day would come. I couldn’t start a blog about anxiety without discussing what caused it. Although it’s been 5 years since it happened, I’ve still only ever talked to one person about it. That was a therapist and then, it was reluctantly. Now, I’m going to open up about what happened and how it affected me for the first time – and to the whole WORLD!!
I guess the only reason I can do this now is because mentally, I’m in a good place. I’m not gonna lie, I don’t forgive my attacker and probably never will. Many people will say that I need to forgive in order to fully move on. Maybe that’s true. Part of me actually would love nothing more than to get in a room with this guy and face him one to one in a fair, fully-clothed battle. Let’s see how he fares then. Right now, I don’t want to forgive. The only forgiving I really needed to do to move on, was with myself.
When I tell people that I used to be so anxious I barely left the house, struggled to speak, hated myself and was constantly paranoid about what total strangers were thinking about me, every single person is shocked. That’s because today, people see me as outgoing, outspoken, sociable and unafraid to do whatever I want. When I tell them that it took me just 1 hour of hypnotherapy to change to the way I am today, they can’t believe it! Neither could I, to be fair! But it’s the 100%, cast-iron truth. My mission is to get other people to understand that there are ways to completely eradicate social and generalised anxiety that they may not even have considered, or thought that there was no way they could work. So here is my hypnotherapy story.
You guys kinda know me by now. I try to live a positive, disciplined, healthy, heart-based and hard-working life. Everything I do, from the moment I wake up till the moment my head hits the pillow, is geared towards maintaining as a high a vibration as possible. In non-spiritual terms, that means I try to keep the negativity dragons at bay! But that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Some days, it can be really tough to batten down the hatches and stop getting burned by the flames. Yesterday was such a day.
Most days, I just hustle. That gets me through the day without even having the time to dwell on the past, feel sorry about the present or worry about the future. But sometimes, no matter how grateful I am just to be alive, just to be able to live in a free and democratic country, just to have food in my stomach, clean clothes on my back and a warm bed to sleep in, I lose that battle. I don’t lose the war. I’ll never lose the war and that’s what’s crucial. I am too mentally strong to ever lose that war again. But sometimes, the smoke from the dragon’s flames chokes me. Causes me to drop to my knees in weakness for a few hours. Yesterday was such a day.
My first 2 months of blogging have been a bit of a whirlwind! I knew blogging would be a challenge but I didn’t expect it to be quite so time consuming. One of the things I’ve not even had time to write about much is my day to day activities. In my very first post, I told you that I wanted to create my dream life. In a previous post, I told you about my daily routines which are in place to help achieve that. I’ve also posted about my long term goals. But I haven’t had a chance to reveal what I’m doing on a daily basis specifically to attain those goals, work-wise. That is what will dig me out of the trench I’m in now and enable me to move to London, create a new circle of friends, multiple streams of income and more freedom to travel and do what I love. Here’s what I do now:
As I mentioned in part 2, following my recovery from social anxiety, everything seemed to be going right for me. I could do no wrong in almost every area of my life; relationships, money, health, career, socially, adventure. Even when something out of my control lead a to a negative, every single time, it lead directly onto something positive and often beyond my wildest expectations! At the pinnacle of this high-life, I was backpacking through Asia and The Pacific by myself – something the anxious me would never have dared to do.
Little Timmy Phoenix was at the Taj Mahal! Walking across the Golden Gate Bridge! Riding camels and elephants! Climbing glaciers and Mount Doom from The Lord of the Rings! Sitting on a totally secluded beach on a Pacific Island on Christmas Day! This was never in the plan!
As I established in my previous post, I’m not 100% convinced in the law of attraction. Quantum physics is very real and appears to back it up scientifically. The research I’d done every day throughout 2016, studying people who were sharing their knowledge of the LOA and how it had turned their lives around, also proved a compelling argument. But one crucial thing was missing; I hadn’t experienced anything decisive personally. Despite attempting to live that mantra over the past year, being positive, grateful and living life from my heart, taking action towards gaining a life I truly desire, I haven’t made great strides. Nothing major I’m trying to manifest has appeared. However, when I look back over my past and deconstruct how my life has panned out, it does seem to back up the whole LOA theory.
Today I’m taking a probably-not-that-well-earned break and letting the wonderful Kelly, otherwise known as Anxious Lass (from the lifestyle blog centred around mental health, of the same name), to do the work for me! She’s written a great piece about her own struggles with anxiety and how she overcame them to become not-so-anxious lass. Once again, we see the same common themes amongst everyone who overcomes an anxiety disorder:
Get help and make the choice to eradicate it
Get off medication
Put in the work to get rid of it
Right, that’s enough from me. Take it away Kelly!
The Journey Of Overcoming A Social Anxiety Disorder
It might well seem as though I have my shit together. That I’m always relentlessly bouncy and uplifted with the positive mantra I try to express. I certainly believe that the only way to live a happy life with true inner peace, is to live with gratitude and always with the glass half full. But as my post “Why Loneliness is my Biggest Motivation” shows, it’s not always the case.
I actually never intended to write that post. But sometimes, you have to go with your heart. Writing for me, is as much a cathartic process as it is to inform or to create. I want to help others; those with anxiety in particular but also anyone who is at rock-bottom or in a rut. But I now realise that I have a lot of stuff I need to get off my chest. Things that I’ve never opened up to anyone else about. Being lonely is one of them. It wasn’t easy for me to write that post because, more than anything, it’s embarrassing to admit you have no close friends. I think part of me also, if I’m honest, felt a little anger and jealousy.
After crushing anxiety but now having to deal with the mess it had inflicted upon my life, I came across Napoleon Hill’s legendary “Think and Grow Rich” and BANG!! Game changer. I’ll talk more about this book (which can be downloaded legally for free) in another post. For now, let’s just say my awakening had truly begun when Mr. Hill made me realise that my life, my destiny, my future was entirely in MY OWN HANDS. No excuses. No blame to place on anyone else. Not the bat-shit crazy man who assaulted me. Not the anxiety which sent my mind and body into shock-waves. Not my age, race, lack of money. Nothing. That gave me an immense feeling of power that I’d never experienced before. The idea that anyone can achieve almost anything if they simply think in the correct manner, remains the best piece of advice I have ever read. Understanding what thoughts are and the power they have, was crucial; who’d have thought it!! (see what I did there?).
What comes to mind when you hear the term “spiritual awakening”? Up till a year ago, I would’ve been one of those people who sneered at it. Only new-age weirdos, filthy hippies, American religious nuts and con-artist “psychics” would be into all that crap, right? But after 12 months that have completely turned almost everything I understood about life upside-down, I can now say that I too, have experienced an awakening! And I found out that millions of people worldwide are going through the same thing in rapidly increasing numbers. But it wasn’t anything like I’d thought it would be.
My own awakening involved me opening my eyes and “waking up” to a wider source of knowledge and information. Things I’d either never bothered to research, had not been easily available or I’d just been ignorant about. So although there are elements of spirituality about my awakening (in terms of my beliefs about life, death and “god”), that’s only a small part of the awakening. But what I have learned has honestly blown my mind! It’s not an exaggeration to say that it’s changed my life forever.